Thursday, May 5, 2011

My first day alone.

Dear Journal,
It's already Thursday. Thursday? How can it be Thursday already??

I woke up in St.Louis again and it is another day I woke up without him. I feel like someone knocked the air out of me. It seems so hard to breathe without him.

Three years with someone building a life together, collecting stories and memories, sharing a life with someone and now it is over. It is done.

I miss him so damn much and I literally feel like my heart is breaking into a million unfixable pieces. He was my entire life. Every single day of my life was devoted to him. He was my everything.

I never thought I could fall so completely in love with someone else.

God, this hurts.

I did this though. I left him, my marriage, my home, my step-children and my puppy. I just never came home. I never got back on the train back to our life.

What kind of person does that? What kind of person walks out on their family.

I did. I gave up.

I felt like I couldn't fix it, make it better and walked away.

I lost all sense of faith and hope.

All I want to do is cry and hide where no one can find me.

He was the one.

I just want to tell him how much he means to much I love him but it's over with and I did it. I didn't know how to fix to fix us.

So I just gave up.

So today is the first day single and on my own. I need to learn how to love myself again. How to let go of all my bullshit to let someone love me.

Today is hard.